swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
