my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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