i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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