I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
