I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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