Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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