The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
