Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
