A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
