no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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