Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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