I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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