How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
