Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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