Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
