you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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