Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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