dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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