I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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