Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
