I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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