went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
