I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
