just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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