Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
