Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
