So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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