He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
