Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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