the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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