Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
