Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
