This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize