My hand turned me down
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
