mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
