are you so shy because you have an std?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
