I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
