It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
