Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
