i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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