When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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