I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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