Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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