i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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