Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
