She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
