So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
