I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
