there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
