You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
