Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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