I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
