the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
