Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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